It has come to my attention that this post my sound mean or hurtful toward my wife and kids. It is not meant that way and my family reads and approves my post before I publish them. This is meant to be funny, they all laughed at it and did not want me to change a thing. Hope you enjoy.
My not so typical morning...
At 6:30 my alarm goes off, I don't know why its my alarm I don't have to get up my wife and older boys have to get up but its my alarm that goes off. The truth is I know why its not her alarm, because apparently my wife doesn't know how to set her phones alarm, or at least that's what she says. I bet if candy crush had an alarm clock setting level she'd know how to set her alarm. Well what does she do? She lets the guy with narcolepsy set the alarm and make sure she wakes up.
So I turn my alarm off and shake my wife to get up. I am rewarded with the growl of a ferocious grizzly bear, that is about to kill an unwanted pest for waking it from hibernation. She finally vacates her position in dreamland after my sixth attempt to rouse her. The reason I make sure she gets up is because if I fall back a sleep and let her and the boys be late, it's gonna be a long day of the nag-o-meter chewing on my butt, like pittbull on a bone. As she trundles from her refuge of down comforters, I nod back off but its just a nod for I know all to well the beasts of instant chaos are being awakened. That is when my house fills with psychotic hysteria mixes with non medicated adhd children of devastation, like a Walmart right before black Friday begins.
With all this calamity unfolding right outside my bedroom door, I try to sleep, between ignoring the yelling and screaming mostly from my wife, the beating and banging coming from the twins of destruction, and finally with out fail the living gas chamber, meandering into the living room, farting and sneezing like an old beat up car skipping and backfiring after it has not been cranked in years. Which makes me wonder as I lay there, what is this kid's deal, its like he confines himself to his room all night consuming anything that is partially edible that would increase his flatulence, body odor, and mucus production. Then storing them up for him to release this homemade, bacteria tainted, vomit inducing, poisonous gas into my living room. Its as if he is an alien that has to spew pollutants in to the air, to change the atmospheric toxicity level to make it more habitable for itself. By more habitable I mean make it smell like a mix of rotten cabbage, decaying skunk, and burnt plastic. Which must be the fragrance he has for rooms air freshener. I thought when we bought the plug in scent things it would help to put one in every room, and it did everywhere but his room I think the thing either killed itself from over work or from not being able to handle the stench. Back to the living room with it full of this chemical nerve agent, the green fog starts seeping into my room getting sucked into my cpap and finishes destroying the tiny bit nasal senses I have left.
All this anarchy culminates with the human fogger coming into my room to tell me my sweet, little, triple scoop of psycho, lollipop of a wife is on the edge of murdering one of our precious demons and she needs me to bring my dragon of wrath and sleep deprivation personality out to corral and motivate the little neurotics into getting ready quicker.
After spewing fire and threats of annihilation at the little life drainers, then shoving the kids and my wife out the door, I drag myself back to bed and try to erase the morning events and pass back out. Only to be awaken by the 3 year old either laying on me, or at the very least touching me. Now when I say touching me you might think aww he's got his hand on you, or his back against you snuggling , he must really is love you. Hahaha you are as wrong as drag queen at a Billy Graham crusade. He is sprawled across me, either hitting, kicking, or digging one or more boney limbs or digits into my back, stomach, or face. Ignoring the pain I lay there trying to get some sleep, as a battle commences between baby bam bam and I. The battle is over space in my king size bed. Bam bam has decided that since I have left the bed it is now his, the whole thing, and will only allow me to have a nine inch section to lay on. You would think I could just push him over and have more room, I use to try this but he's got his mom's morning demeanor. So I huddle in my alotment of bed and fall a sleep. Usually this is when I drift into that hard good sleep.
That last for a good bit, then the wild one starts to stir. First its 'Dada I want some tea", I lay there trying to fake sleep praying it goes back to sleep, to no avail he calls again "Dada get up I want more tea". Still I lay there begging God to make him fall back asleep, that's when he takes matters into his own hands. He grabs my cpap mask yanks it back and lets it go, so that it hits me in the face so hard it makes my eyes water. Guess what I got up.
This is just the start of my day. But you know what, atleast it's another day. I'm alive and have another day to share with someone to encourage and help them. Always remember even if you wake up worse off than when you went to sleep, you still woke up. Their must be someone out there that needs you in some way. Otherwise what would be the point of this life. Let it be all about you helping others and not about only just you.
