Monday, April 28, 2014

Episode 8: I'll be okay just let me lay here for a bit.

        In the 29 long years of my life I have come to the conclusion that I'm not getting any younger. Wow, I know a real revelation, right. Tell you what, I still surprise myself sometimes, it makes me feel like a real rocket surgeon when I get these sparks of genius. Back to my epiphany, we all know what goes along with getting older, that horrible four letter word PAIN. You know how you use to make fun of your dad and his friends when they were grunting and groaning after some labor intensive task and how they were sore and stiff. Now I always knew that the age of pain would eventually sneak up on me but I thought  I'd be in my forties by then if not older. Well no dice, that horrific four letter word rings my bell on a daily if not hourly basis. That's another thing about narcolepsy, the non restorative sleep coupled with exhaustion and fatigue causes your body to just ache and be sore all over.
     I remember when I was a younger, nothing could stop me, or even limit me. Now if I don't watch for the signs that I'm near my limit, not at it or over it, but just near it. Boom I hit the floor like a big redwood falling. It blows my mind how quick I went from 20 and unstoppable to 29 and elderly. Some times I get depressed and think why did  I get this disease. I'm still young and have alot of things I need to accomplish. I don't have time to be tired, I got 4 boys that need an active and present dad to help them find their way into manhood. So I push through the sleep attacks as best I can, I try to be alone or atleast in a place where no one will notice when I have a cataplexy attack. I don't want them to see me struggle, it's not their burden its mine. That why when my little buddy told me about how he'd take care of me it put me on the floor emotionally.  It came from my 8 year old aka speedy  a daddy's boy through and through. Let me set the scene for you, I had the twins and the human hormone with me in my Jeep headed home and the conversation turned to who was gonna take care of me when I was old.
    Like any other self involved teenager good ole "head in rear boy" says "I'm moving to California so y'all can't live with me." That's pretty good I feed, clothe, and shelter this walking odor factory cause that's what the law requires. But not only do I do that I buy him things, show him affection, try teach him things, and I even go so far as to not beat or kill him for all the junk any other  normal human would have done him in for. Here's some examples of things I think he should be tack hammered in the head for: #1 incessant blurting out ( The kid acts like he has touretts, I'm not making fun of that disease when I use it to drive a point home. Sometimes its a word sometimes just a random noise. Most of the time its a random fact he supposedly knows, which 98% of the time is wrong, and not only is it wrong, it is beyond dumb and not even part of the conversation we are having. #2 an over abundance of bodily noise (you probably think I'm referencing his robust flatulence supply, nope what I mean is his ability to turn himself and mostly everything around him into an object of annoying racket for which to drive me even more crazy. #3 complete lack of focus and attention.( I always heard teens are spacey and kinda float around oblivious to their surroundings. But this kid is slowly destroying any hope I have in him surviving after he moves out. I don't know how he makes it through school without going outside and walking straight into traffic. What's worse is I visited the school he goes to and have seen alot of the other kids, and it's scary how most of them are just like him. The level of self absorption in these kids is staggering. At that school you could fill the main hall with poisonous snakes, let the bell ring, and at least 40% of the kids there would walk right tge snakes and be bitten. What's more hilarious is guess who would be right in the middle of them, yep, the walking hormone oblivious that he's surrounded. The only positive about this is at least all the snakes would die after bitting him from all the germs he collects in him or on him.
    Sometimes this kid is amazing. He does his chores without being told to. He'll even do other stuff he knows we like done without being prompted. That's when sit there and wonder did it happen, did he finally grow out of this stage of making me wanna beat him and myself in the head with roofing hammers. Then the other shoe falls and wham he reverts back only this time its worse. But his mom and I keep pushing through just trying to make it to 18 so he can move to California and it'll be their problem then. Lol.
      So the teenager doesn't want me, no surprise, I still got my little athlete speedy. He wants his daddy to live with him. What this kid lacks in intellect he doubles up in athletics and undying admiration and love. That's why it killed me to hear him tell me about how he was going to take care of me. I love the fact that he wants me to stay with him and be around him but he also said something that really knocked me right in the gut.
    My little buddy said "daddy when you come live with me you can sleep all you want and take a nap whenever you have an attack." Wow, its hard even to write that. The kid is almost 8, does he really think that's what I do all the time. I know he is more inclined to focus on me and how I feel, but in all honesty is that his image of me. I know I can't help being tired or rundown but I try not to show it and have really tried to limit myself to only 2 or 3 naps a week and then its when he is in school.
     I sat there, driving, trying not to let him or his brothers know how bad that made me feel. He wasn't saying it out of meanness, it was one of the things he thought I liked doing a lot. Really though it hit home at how my kids see me and how I thought they saw me. My idea of myself in my kids eyes was that I am Super Dad not Sir Napsalot. Well there is always a silver lining to any situation. Take a minute or two and write down what you think of yourself and how you spend your time. Then ask the people that are around you the most, what they think of you and what you do a lot of. You might be surprised at some of the responses. I sure was but at least now I have an idea of what I need to try harder at. So my kids see me in a better light than just the guy who sleeps all the time. Now I can strive to be Super Daddy. Remember there is always someone watching you, you might not see it but they are there and looking for something. Try to give them something good they can hold on to, instead of something negative that will only be burdensome.

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